Holy Moly this season of The Bachelorette is boring! Yet, I watch. I watch because I love LOVE and I do love watching the lead and the frontrunners fall for each other. But those parts could really be condensed into a 30-minute show this season. The rest is just uninteresting filler fluff, unfortunately! I mean, the only parts of this week’s show that were interesting were 1) Emily’s beach blanket cuddle with Arie on the Group Date, 2) Emily’s beach blanket cuddle with Jef on the Group Date (there’s something so slow-burning, high school crush cute going on between these two) and 3) Emily’s first armchair advice session with Chris Harrison (who, honestly, isn’t being put to task too much so far on Emily’s season, likely because of the pace and because of the lack of kissing and overall drama).
Oh – and I also loved Nate’s mispronunciation of the grain used in the 2-on-1 cave dinner, quinoa (really pronounced “keen-wah,” not “kwin-noah” or whatever he said). The honesty over their lack of interest in the cave diner was also refreshing. We love it when a date picnic-type setup gets abandoned, but this time they were at least totally upfront about their intentions to forego the not-so-amazing cave dinner!
Here are some other things we know:
1) Doug has some serious anger management issues that he’s slowing losing control over on the show
2) Ryan is a complete d-bag
3) Kalon is a complete d-bag
4) Ummm….I can’t remember anyone else from the show (besides, of course, Arie, Jef and Chris Harrison….oh, and Little Rickie, who I still can’t believe is being put on national television so damn much….horrible.)
Since I can’t seem to remember much else of interest, let’s just get to what some of your favorite former cast members and fan bloggers thought:
From the Bachelorette herself, Emily Maynard: “The after party with the yellow team was great, and I was really looking forward to spending more time with each of the guys in a small group. My conversation with Ryan was interesting, to say the least. I really try to make it a point to not judge others, and I felt like Ryan wasn’t giving me the same respect at all. I know what kind of woman I am, and I refuse to let anyone make me question myself, especially for something so small.
I also don’t think Ryan would’ve had any problems if I was kissing him instead of Arie! Speaking of kissing, as Jef and I were walking down to the beach, I was thinking, “What a perfect place for us to have our first kiss!” Clearly he wasn’t thinking the same thing!
Everything else with Jef and me came so easily, so I couldn’t figure out why he still hadn’t tried to kiss me. I hoped giving him one more group date rose would let him know that I had a huge crush on him and that he better make a move soon.”
From Ben Flajnik’s season, Kacie Boguskie: “DOUG starts off with the 1-on-1 date: “Let our senses lead the way –Emily.” He immediately flips his crap and realizes he could only get to spend a few hours in Bermuda and doesn’t want to go home. REALLY?! What about your son? Emily? Ricki? I’m not getting a good vibe–he may blow this one! Bleep, Bleep, Bleep, Bleeeeeeeep… I’m really hoping he put on his clinical strength deodorant, he’s letting the guys get under his skin, which is just pure entertainment for us. I was getting uncomfortable with the Hulk that was showing himself.
Quote of the date by Doug: “Are we going shopping? I love it!” (Or lie #1 of the date). So after a normal day of shopping and fun they sit down to dinner. I’m a little bored by this conversation… He can’t be perfect, she can’t be perfect, but they both think that each other’s faults are perfect. So after addressing her fears of his perfection she now has a “Doug with a rose.” Doug wants to kiss Emily, but Emily will let Doug know when she wants a kiss. Doug makes sure we all know his name by referring to himself in the 3rd person.”
From Jillian Harris’ season and Bachelor Pad 2, Michael Stagliano: “Nate and Wolf man, get on a boat, jump off a cliff, then head to a cave. This kind of sounds like an action movie or a super hero film. It was almost the exact opposite. Truly.
Dinner goes like this:
“Is that quinoa?”
“It IS quinoa.”
“I’m not gonna eat it.”
“I will if you want to Emily.”
“It’s quiet in here.”
“Let’s CHEERS again.”
“Can I talk to you alone?”
We learn Nate misses his family…and for those of you who rolled your eyes at his tears. DON’T. Not seeing your family and friends for 3-4 weeks is really tough. You don’t get to talk them AT ALL… and when the timing is right, if you talk about them it is easy to get choked up. So Nate–go ahead dawg. Shed your tears. I get it.”
From one of our favorite Bachelor bloggers, Sophienette: “To finish, my favourite part of the episode… which was not shown during the episode! Check out Jef and Emily having some quality time during the cocktail party. I loved that he asked about Ricki, that they could joke about his socks… and I cringed at that obvious moment where you can actually see him thinking “Will I kiss her or not?”:
From Jillian Harris’ season and Bachelor Pad 1, Dave Good: “The boat race is so much fun to watch. Both teams are working their butts off and look like they really learned a lot about how it all works. Both teams did well but the yellow team wins. Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon get to spend the rest of the night with Emily. Nice work, men!
Holy Santa Clause Sh#$ Charlie is actually crying like with tears and stuff on the ride home because they lost. WHAT?! What is going on? I am so confused here. There has to be something we are missing here. You can’t cry over that. I’m speechless. Ladies you might think that is all nice and showing emotion but I’m here to tell you if this is real, this is REAL weird. You don’t cry over a boat race loss on national TV.
From former Bachelorette Ashley Hebert: “I will leave you with this last thought: my instinct tells me that the last three men Emily will be left with are Arie, Jef, and Sean. Jef seems like a slow-burn type of relationship and in my heart, I believe these are the best types of relationships.
Arie is coming off as the night in shining armor, and the guy every woman in America is drooling over. They are all showing all sides of his personality, which makes me think something else. Sean seems like the super sweet, genuine, good man, but again, they have a slow-burn type of relationship. So here are my predictions: the last two men could be Jef and Sean and the next Bachelor would be Arie.”
From former Bachelorette Jillian Harris: “I wasn’t crazy about the two-on-one date. In my opinion, neither of them will make it to the end anyway. I think a two-on-one date is the kiss of death for both guys involved, so I didn’t really pay too much attention. But I know a few things are certain—it was awkward, uncomfortable and weird. And I can almost bet you right now that neither one of them will win, even though John got the rose. He’s safe for now, but moving on….
I knew something had been bugging me about Ryan and now I think I’ve figured it out. I bet he suffers from BSD (bar star denial). He’s actually kind of creepy! But he certainly seems to think he’s a good catch. Was he just pitching himself for a future season of The Bachelor? What a tool.
On the flip side, I like Jef. I think he is rad and definitely a catch. I also really love his hipster style but I don’t think he’s Emily’s type. Those socks he wore were intense! Gutsy move, Jef.”
From Stacey B of the I Love the Bachelor/Bachelorette Blog: “The Chris vs. Doug showdown was just stupid. I had a hard time trying to understand what the problem was. Here’s what I think happened: Chris is upset because he’s 25 and Doug has either said or implied that Chris couldn’t possibly be mature enough for Emily.
So he approaches Doug and asks him why he (Doug) thinks that he (Doug) is the better man for Emily. Doug’s response, “I think you’re being immature right now.” OMG, is this classic taunting behavior? It’s like when someone says – stop being a baby, don’t cry, and all you can do is cry. Or someone yelling at you not to be so uptight, but this only makes you more uptight. So is the fact that Chris confronts Doug mean that Chris is immature? Does anyone actually care?
From Jason Mesnick’s season and Bachelor Pad 1, Natalie Getz: “Um, so Kalon is wearing a blue, tight fitting polo that makes me want to vomit. What actually made me vomit was that he wore pretty boy boat shoes with it. I mean, you can’t look more like you want to get your ass kicked than Kalon does right now. This look is screaming, “I’m not only a trust fund baby working at Ralph Lauren in sales, but I’m also a total wimpy nerd.” YUCK.
Doug doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of patience, which is insane because he is a father. He can’t take a joke and is acting like a total chick about his date with Emily. Arie had me in tears I was laughing so hard. Arie reminds me of how my guy friends would be to one another in this situation. That’s what guys do; they give each other shit and toughen the other up. Doug nearly murdered the guys just as I do slugs every night. Emily asks him how he is doing as she picks him up for his date and he proclaims, “We are having a great time!” LIAR.”
From Ashley Hebert’s season, West Lee: “Kalon, Ryan, Arie, and Jef win the race, leaving Charlie, Chris, Sean and Travis to sulk back to the hotel. Charlie even cries a little, causing me to subconsciously start singing “Cheer up Charlie” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Damn you, Tim Burton…why did he have to ruin that movie?
From Ashley Elgin, The Bachelor Expert: “Alejandro shares his passion and zest for life, he appeared to be on the chopping block, but not in extreme danger. Ryan is oh so confident, because of their relationship. Arie goes in for the steal, time for a race car driving robbery. Arie is a threat, if you have to say he isn’t, someone is trying to convince themselves.
From Lincee of ihategreenbeans: “Emily divided her boys into red and yellow teams and made them sail across the ocean and back to prove their love. The testosterone on the red team was palpable through my flat screen. All of the big, tall, swarthy guys (Charlie, Sean, Travis and Chris) heckled the yellow team from their boat. Arie was annoyed that he was on Ryan’s team. Ryan was annoyed that he wasn’t on the red team with the other brutes instead of with the rejects from the JV bench. One F Jef was rocking some serious Jimmy Neutron hair and Kalon wished he had worn his luxury brand nautical-themed pashmina. Somehow, the yellow team manages to out maneuver the red team “Revenge of the Nerd” style and the muscular guys are sent back to the hotel. Arie celebrated by sticking his tongue down Emily’s throat. Ryan flourished in the art of arrogance. Kalon wished he had his luxury brand nautical-themed afghan to keep warm on the chilly veranda. And even though One F Jef had the perfect opportunity to kiss Emily on the beach (and then waved as it passed him by), he still landed the date rose.”
From Dana Weiss, aka Possessionista:
From blogger Knox McCoy:
I’m just Doug.
Hahaha you are just Doug, Doug. That’s perfect. You are perfect. That fact that your name is Doug is perfect. The only way it would be MORE perfect would be if your last name was Doug Douglas.
Also, does anyone else think that Doug’s name is being said an inordinate amount of time? It’s like in a human sexuality class when the teacher seems like he says “Penis” a little more than is really necessary simply because the setting allows for it. We meet so few Dougs now that we kind of self-indulgently repeats his name ad infinitium.
Doug talks about taking makeout advice from his Grandpa or something? I don’t know. Total Doug move.
THIRD PERSON ALERT!
Doug just dropped, If Maynard wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know.
From blogger Lost Angeles: “You can’t trust a man who says “Oh my god, let’s do it!” when she suggests writing a letter to his son that will only confuse him. This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle. This is Bachelorette in Bermuda. Superman wasn’t going to show up.
Can you assholes get on a fucking helicopter already?
We found out Nasty Nate doesn’t want to be on the two on one date which means he is damned to go on the two-on-one date and fail miserably. When in a two-on-one battle, you need to fucking want it. You need to go in and just cut the other guys throat with your witty banter and then put him on an awkward defensive, but as you saw later, Nasty Nate needed no opponent to totally shit his pants. He had everything he needed to do that himself.
So meanwhile Doug got the creepy Bachelorette music when he was unable to give his faults beyond “I am too good at being a Dad”. Then Lady Veneers tried to show him she had faults but she did the same damn thing. Really, Chompers? I am sure the world is so pissed when you wear juicy pants out to the dry cleaners. We’re pissed when your fat neighbor does that.
Doug, a good place to start with listing faults might be that internet news sites are claiming you assaulted your ex-girlfriend with a weapon. So, if she really was complaining just that you didn’t wash her car enough, I am guessing she was on meth at the time or you misunderstood her while you were choking her. Either way, you didn’t kiss Chompers so you are a total puss. When I was on MTV’s Dismissed in college, I kissed the girl and she wasn’t even my type and it was gross. Superman wasn’t going to show up, Doug. So I did. And I won. And I didn’t have to get accused of beating anyone in the process.”
From former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky: “I was loving the group date this week. The guys looked hot sailing the boats and I had no problem watching them do it, but let’s talk about this Ryan guy for a second. Did he seriously toast to Emily being a trophy wife?!?! NOT cool at all. I think Ryan is more about winning Emily the “trophy” and not winning Emily’s heart.
Another thing I have loved about Emily this season is that she is one smart cookie! I think she totally has it right when she says there is a double standard on Bachelor and Bachelorette. A Bachelor can kiss multiple women on the show and people rarely comment on it, but when a girl does it there is a big issue. Look, both the Bachelor and the Bachelorette have to kiss multiple people. They are trying to find a wife/husband in a period of about 9 weeks! Wouldn’t you speed things along too?”
From Bachelor/ette host Chris Harrison: “The first stop on our international tour was the island of Bermuda and Tuckers Point Resort. The resort was beautiful even though the weather didn’t exactly cooperate with us. The guys arrived via scooters to the hotel. This seemed like a good idea and for the most part it was. Only one guy crashed on his scooter and, of course, that was the professional driver Arie. Yes, Arie, who makes his living driving a race car, took out Sean on his scooter. No people were injured, but we were all saddened by the loss of one of Sean’s shoes. The guys were very good about making sure the irony of the situation wasn’t lost on any of us.
Emily’s first date was with single dad Doug. I’m very interested to hear your thoughts about Doug. Is he the greatest guy to ever walk the planet, or is there more to this guy? I found it interesting that Emily drew parallels between Doug and the way Brad was with her. Saying and doing the right thing all the time isn’t always attractive. In fact, for Emily, it’s raised some red flags. There’s no doubt that Doug is a good guy and a loving father but Emily definitely needs to see more of “every-day-Doug” if this relationship is going to go any further.
One big red flag for me is anybody that refers to himself in the third person. Former baseball great Rickey Henderson is the only person I know of that could pull off the third person reference and make it work. So unless you are a hall of fame athlete please don’t refer to yourself by your own name… That’s just a little piece of advice from Chris.”