Finally, The Bachelor/ette franchise is back on TV, bringing meaning back to Mondays and giving us here at Ok! Here is the Situation a break from such banal situations as the fact that a meltdown of Fukushima’s reactor No. 4 could mean the end of civilization as we know it. We’re now able to redirect our attention to the situations that really matter, like: following along with Emily Maynard on her journey to find love on reality television! Yes!!
First, in case you missed it, please take a peep at our totally judgmental and trying-to-be-witty first impressions of Emily’s batch of 25 “amazing” suitors. These assessments were made prior to the “amazing” guys stepping out of the limos, and onto the pre-wetted driveway of this season’s Bachelor Mansion in Charlotte, NC.
Now, with Night One, there are really too many guys to be able to discuss the whole cast in much detail, but what we can do is focus on the 6 guys Emily gave the Night One boot too: Brent, David, Jackson, Jean-Paul, Lerone and Randy.
First of all, Brent. Age 41, has 6 kids — we’re just not all that surprised by this one, unfortunately.
David: He said he was an amazing lyricist (singer/songwriter) yet could only come up with one lyric for his “Emily Tribute” diddy — repeating the name “Emily” over and over. Now, she didn’t see that boring B-roll, so he must have done/said something equally uninspiring to her directly during the cocktail party to earn the ole heave-ho. Man, if only we could have been a fly on the wall during this cocktail party!! So many unseen antics….
And then there’s Jackson: They didn’t show him much. He didn’t say much. He left. Yep. That about covers it.
Jean-Paul: I think it was the eyebrows.
Lerone: Unfortunately, we saw this one coming from a mile away because, well, he’s not white and this is The Bachelorette. It’s unfortunate, though. He seemed cute and interesting. But….it’s hard to recover from the “not white” handicap on this show!
Randy: When it comes to first impressions and chemistry, dressing up like an old lady just doesn’t scream “romance,” dude. Also, his name is Randy.
For the remaining guys, we are eager to get to know them better over the coming weeks! Our favorites so far are Arie Luyendyk, Joe Gendreau, Jef Holm (I didn’t think I’d like this guy from his initial ABC photo and bio, but he’s great), Sean Lowe….and we’re actually kind of liking Ryan Bowers (another surprise).
Now, for the even better fodder: What some of your favorite Bachelor/ette bloggers, former castmates and more thought about this week’s episode:
From our favorite host, Chris Harrison: “As Emily and I walked down the hall to welcome the guys, the weight of the situation and the pressure suddenly hit her. She tensed up, had trouble breathing and was incredibly nervous. But that was nothing compared to how nervous the guys were to meet her. Let’s talk about some of the high and not-so-high points during the arrivals. Jef channeled his inner Michael J. Fox from Back to the Future (if you have no idea who or what that is: look it up, kids) with the skateboard behind the limo. I was a little worried as the limo pulled down the driveway a little faster than any of us expected. Tony took a huge chance with the Prince Charming bit, but he pulled it off. I have to give Randy props for watching our show and going with the grandma gag. Emily thought that was pretty funny, as did the rest of us. I have some advice for John and all other men out there: the moment you meet a beautiful woman and you’re desperately trying to make a good first impression don’t tell her your nickname, especially if it’s “Wolf”!
Travis showed up with an ostrich egg. That’s really all I have to say — Travis showed up with an ostrich egg. Good news for him is he’s a good guy with a great sense of humor, and the other guys really like him as well, because that could’ve gotten ugly… well uglier. The big controversy during the arrivals was Kalon flying in on the chopper. To be honest it was kind of a small, janky little helicopter as far as Bachelor standards are concerned. Kalon not only rolled in on the chopper he also rolled in with the big attitude that immediately turned the guys off and put a big target on his back. This will continue as we move forward.”
From Craig Robertson: “Until Monday night, I hadn’t given any real thought to the idea of the biological clock. Most men don’t concern themselves with such a thought. I recently turned 29, and for most of my life, my mentality has been that I have plenty of time to get to the point where I have a “minivan full of babies.” Emily’s mentioning of her biological clock certainly tickled a brain nerve.
So, I did some research. An Indian farmer, Ramajit Raghav, recently became the world’s oldest father at 94 years old. His wife, Shakuntala, gave birth to their baby at a youthful 59 years old. I want to take a second to congratulate Ramajit and Shakuntala. They truly have defied the idea of the biological clock and alleviated my new concern.
Wanna know Ramajit’s secret? A very simple daily formula: Three litres of milk, half a kilo of almonds, and half a kilo of clarified butter (I’m guessing he doesn’t smear it on bread). We have all been fooled into thinking that aerobics and vegetables are the secret to strong fertility. At 26 years old, Emily has plenty of time to follow in Shakuntala’s footsteps.”
From Dave Good: “Instead of talking about every single one of them I am going to rate my top 3 entrances and worst 3.
3. Charlie (loved his bulldog)
4. Kalon (everyone hated it but I loved it!) Give the guy some props; he flew in, IN A HELICOPTER. Pretty awesome.
Worst: This was a 3 way of circus clowns for the #1 spot as worst:
1. Randy (He made me feel so weird and I am sitting at home)
1. Stevie (your not meeting an 18 year old girl dude)
1. Jackson (fitness model) Douche 101 (I know he had on Ed Hardy under that)
2. Joe… AKA Mr. Bouncy
I get a different kind of feeling here. Emily is not here to be amused by little eggs and skateboards. I feel like she is past that and those intro’s although entertaining are not what is going to stand out to her.
It’s best to just get all nervous and forget what you are going to say like I did. LOL. So embarrassing.”
From fan blogger Sophienette:
From Jillian Harris: “I loved Randy but seriously, what the heck was up with the granny get-up? It was so hard to take these guys seriously. I obviously loved Arie; he is so dreamy and I’m pretty sure he’s already a front-runner for Emily. Now as for Kalon, a.k.a. helicopter guy? I’m all for standing out, but in the least pretentious way possible, which in my opinion, helicopter guy didn’t achieve. At first I thought Jef the hipster was kind of a joke but he’s right, the other guys probably will underestimate him. I love what he stands for and I think his charity work is a huge turn on.
Overall there were definitely some good-looking men and I’m sure there are some solid guys in the group. I know that for me, that first night was such a blur (and no, not because of the champagne!). Emily is going to make some good decisions and some bad decisions, but at the end of the day I’m pretty sure she’ll pick the right guy. Whether it lasts or not has nothing to do with the show, and everything to do with their “real life” relationship. I know I picked the right guy and I actually believe that for a time, it was a successful relationship. I just hope that hers is a successful relationship that lasts longer than mine did.”
From West Lee: “Man, Emily’s hot.
Read more from West Lee on his WestsideStories blog….
From Season 7′s Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert: “After looking at the photos and bios on ABC.com my favorites were Arie, Charlie, Alessandro, and Sean. Man how things change when 2D turns to 3D, and they can talk. Here are Emily’s “few good men” and my new top 4 picks:
1. Arie seems to have a quiet confidence and achievement as a race car driver. I loved that his entrance was simple, genuine, and he looked super cute! I think he is physically a great match for Emily. I also loved how the first thing he did when they sat down was to ask if being a racer would bother her. That shows that he is not trying to hide anything from her, and he is thinking about how SHE feels about it; this is a very critical thing in relationships. Of course, she is on board with Arie being a racer. I actually think she sees it to be a good thing!
2. Charlie is just my favorite. He looks like a big teddy bear. He is simple, sweet, funny and I think a perfect match for Emily. I’m not sure that he is ready to settle down and start making babies to fill up that van, but he will get there. My favorite Charlie moment was when he told Emily he had a half-titanium face from an accident. He asks her to touch it, and when she goes in, he scares her with a fake growl. Jim Carey-style. What a keeper! I’m a firm believer in opposites attract and I think Charlie’s humor would counter Emily’s demure demeanor nicely.
3. Jef came out of the woodwork for me. I didn’t understand the hair when I first saw him, and really didn’t think twice about him being a match for Emily until I saw his cool, calm, confident way around her. There is something about him that was sweet, sensitive, yet still strong and sincere. I really loved them together. I also love that he is the creator of an amazing company, People Water, which focuses on bringing clean water to those without access. You can’t deny the goodness in someone like that. I think he will be a slow burn for Emily. They would make cute babies. Plus, look at her grin. Duh.
4. Ryan was way different than I thought he would be. I pictured him to be some rough, tough football player, but I would say he actually had one of the better “planned entrances” with his cheat sheet that read on the backside “You Are Beautiful.” Ok Ryan, I’m on to you!”
Read more from Ashley Hebert at Parade.com….
From Ashley, The Bachelor Expert: “Jef hopes the guys are really good guys. He is super caring, calls Emily a “hot item.” Emily tells him “I have been looking for you.” Thinks he has a cool vibe, and hopes he thinks she is cool too. They are so cute!
From Jaclyn Swartz: “Wanna get drunk? Re-watch this episode and drink every time someone says the words: Ricki, Single Mom, Golly, Stunning. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THESE DUDES/shrimps A THESAURUS!
I am so excited to have something to do on Monday nights again! We are all rooting for the breathtakingly beautiful Emily – who I think we will soon learn is a sassafras, and I LOVE it!
Chris Harrison re-introduces us to Emily Maynard, yata yata yata yata…Emily shows us in her element at home with her daughter, yata yata yata, then peers over a lake to ponder. This is a favorite bachelor/bachelorette scene. Girls peer over water, Guys lean over balconies and cry.”
From Natalie Getz: “Kalon 27: ”I used to be really loud, obnoxious, a womanizer…and I JUST hit a point in my life where I’m ready to slow down.” These guys make the best husband material, because they lived their life, but he may be a little too stuffy for Emily. I already feel like he is the type to be showy with his money. And there it is…the helicopter arrival. Good gracious, Kalon, this makes you seem humble. (Question mark) Between that and the tennis, you clearly come across as poor.
Ryan 31: He used to be a professional athlete and now works with kids?! And he is hot? And he has a dog? Yup. He is my favorite so far:)
His poem idea was hysterical and so cute! See? He knows how to pull off cheesy humor in a cute, funny kind of way. Side Note: I randomly met his friends this past weekend in Palm Springs and they had great things to say about him
Tony 31: Tony works out. Obviously. He is really, really cute with his kid. Great looking, but he pulled out a nerdy joke with the two thumbs thing, haha. He is probably only lacking with cool factor, because he spends all his time with his kid, which is absolutely adorable. He messed up with his Fairytale opener out of the limo, but we will see how he checks out.
Lerone 29: Great job? Check. Great body? Check. Great looking? Check. Great fashion? Check. Tiny Dog? Sighhhhhh I suppose no one is perfect.
David 32: Singing Emily’s name over and over and that’s about it? Ya, you are such a great songwriter as you clearly stated when you tried to “not toot your own horn.”
From Ashley Spivey: “I can’t wait to see what kind of guys they found for her!
Kalon. I just can’t. He is making this too easy! At first he kind of reminded me of Ames Brown, but Ames is way too classy for any of this crap. I will call him TMDN from now on, short for ToolMcDoucheNugget.
I actually think Ryan is pretty cute and he seems really nice but he said “GOOOOD” so many times in his preview that it was all I could think about!
Poor Tony! I totally feel for his single Dad situation and he seems nice enough but then he had to go and make a horrible joke. Y’all are competing for Emily dudes – where is y’all’s A-game?
Lerone seems like a strong, manly dude…that owns a little dog. Weird.
I rewatched David’s intro at least 10 times because it was was just too unbelievable! He says that song writing comes naturally, but then he belts out a song that consists of one word – EMILLLLLLLY! (Sidenote: I sang this song all night) He also took some time to memorize his SAT vocabulary and said the following words: disparate, quintessence, and ineffable. He also reminds me of someone and I can’t put my finger on it.
Read more from Ashley Spivey on Bachelor.TV….
From Marissa May:
Kalon aka Helicopter Guy
If it wasn’t your ridiculous intro video describing your past self as a womanizer that put you in this category, it definitely was your arrival by helicopter. And, I’m sorry if I don’t understand but you described yourself by saying you “used to be loud and obnoxious.” Used to be? So you’re saying arrival by chopper (“chopper style, chop, chop, chopper style”)ISN’T loud and obnoxious? Right…..
I don’t really want to put him in this category because the dude sounds like a really, really nice guy. But the second I saw him walking down the street with a dog the size of his iPhone I almost lost it. I mean, a dude with a dog is totally attractive to me. But not one that I could punt. MY dog is bigger than his dog. The only way he gets a pass is if he inherited this dog from his ill grandmother.
Ok, yes, I totally ripped him and his 80s hair in my first post. He gained a little more points when I saw the show profile him talking about all his great work his company does. And then he won me over with this:
I’m guessing this is the “bad boy” side of my brain kicking in. This move was hot. There is something about this rough around the edges, sweet natured guy that totally got me in his corner. I can’t explain it but I like him! Biggest surprise of the night for sure.
Nice moves, buddy. Breakin’ out the single dad angle. I like your style…although I have to question whether it was you or your son Austin that truly won the first impression rose.
Read more at MsMarissaMay.com….
From Lincee of I Hate Green Beans: “Welcome fellow Bachelor franchise lovers! It’s that time of year where ABC goes above and beyond to find 12 total tool bags who bring a colorful mixture of drama and crazy to the show, two socially unacceptable dorks who undoubtedly drink Zima at the cocktail parties, four wacky, loveable side-kick types who steal the hearts of all women with at least one Molly Ringwald movie in their DVD collection, one token African-American to counter the pending discrimination law suit, two closeted gay guys for that extra sizzle and four viable candidates who have an actual chance to win the affection of Emily Maynard and Little Ricki. Crack open the boxed wine and pass the Advil ladies and gentleman. The Bachelorette is back!”
From Kacie Boguskie: “My opinion if I was Emily as I met some of these guys:
First up out of the limo…
Sean- He’s adorable and looked so cute with Emily… He’ll be around a while
Doug- Single dad that seems so genuine… and they’re in the same boat parenting wise. He’s a keeper! (He also got first impression rose!)
Jackson- Oh buddy! He already got down on one knee; it’s a little to early in the game for that! Then he opened with a quote (one my mom has on her fridge- and that’s where it should stay, or on the throw pillow).
JOE!- “EMILY!!!” HE HAD AMAZING ENERGY! AND SO SWEET (I must type that in all caps because I feel that’s the only way to do him justice).
Aaron- Sorry dude, not feeling the chemistry, you should probably stick to biology.
Jef- This guy is totally smooth and has his own style, I respect that. We could probably be BF’s.
Stevie- He’s got some moves up his sleeve, just may be too soon to break them out. I’ll give him props… it was memorable. **I loved Emily trying to dance with her hip/hand sway dance… not sure they could rock the dance floor together!**
Charlie- Gotta give props to my fellow Tennessean! He represented the south well… a true southern gentleman. I know Emily will appreciate that!”
From Dana Weiss (aka Possessionista):
Copyright Possessionista Media, LLC
From Bachelor Pad 2 fave Michael Stagliano: “A few conversations stuck out to me:
1. Arie: Coming right out and saying he is a racecar driver, SO BALLSY. I thought it was really sweet and cool how he told Emily. He didn’t “pull it out of the closet,” he just laid it out honestly and wanted to make sure she knew that about him before things got serious. I disliked this a little because it is A LOT to put on Emily night one, right? If you recall, he even asked, “is that ok?” Eeeshhh. That’s a tough pill to swallow when you JUST met someone. It worked out well though, and I’m a fan of his for sure.
2. Doug: I mean… Holy hell. That note from Austin… NO. This show is NOT a competition (and it drives me nuts when contestants handle it like one)…BUT… that note from his son was the ace in the hole, the 4th quarter touchdown pass, the bottom of the 9th home run…call it what you want. Totally deserved the F.I.R. (first impression rose, do we all know the lingo?)
3. Chris: The bobble head puppet show. Whooopsie Daisy. I can’t remember ever learning as a boy/guy/man that the way to a woman’s heart is a puppet show. Anyone else have a hard time watching?”
From one of my favorite Bachelor/ette bloggers, Lost Angeles: “There was Jaws, the dude who played pro football, had a lab-bro-doodle and was stunting the growth of children by feeding them steroids and making them do crossfit. Totally good for them.
There was a personal favorite, the guy with the brain injury. I really liked this guy, especially when he scared Lady Veneers into touching his titanium face and then scared her again. I mean, the guy is totally nice and has had a really hard life. Being on a collapsing balcony is messed up. That said, I would be lying if the dude wasn’t only half there most of the time. He stares off into space a lot, almost like there’s a sunset on the horizon that the producers are point at. Half there… I dub thee, Half Damon.
Then there is Chris, who looks like Toby Maguire if he got smashed around by the Hulk like Loki in Avengers (ya’ll saw that right?). It STARTED as Toby Maguire and ended as a weird claymation experiment.”
From blogger Knox McCoy: “But seriously, tonight is one of the best nights of the year. It’s all awkward conversation, dudes peacocking at each other and someone is going to do something stupid like makeout with a lamp or shart after laughing too hard. That’s why it’s so great. SOON, we will be on a Bataan death march of boredom as Emily tries to act like she doesn’t have the personality of an Excel spreadsheet. But tonight is all about the disillusioned guys who think that the sun will shine a little brighter for a world that has seen them on TV.
It’s time to destroy some hopes and dreams and suffer through awkward first impression FOR LOVE!
Ducks. Geese. Colorful pants. Ricki swinging. A boob job1 Emily and Ricki in general are acting out some cliche idea of what all single moms do, until Ricki let’s her balloons go into the air. GUYS. Don’t they know that those balloons are destined to kill some unfortunate duck or strangle a duck-billed platypus? But you know what? It doesn’t matter, because those balloons were TOTALLY a metaphor for Emily FINALLY letting go and really going after love…for a third time in like 14 months….on national TV.
Emily tells us that she’s looking to find a father figure for Ricki through reality TV. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA GREAT PLAN, EMILY. I can’t imagine a conduit more appropiate to finding a mature father figure for your impressionable daughter than reality TV. This is the greatest bestness of anything ever.
Also, we get to relive the saga of Emily’s origin story which sounds a little too suspiciously like a Lifetime if you ask me.
ALSO COULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW EMILY’S LIFE IS PAID FOR? We’re all thinking it. I just need to know.”
Read more at KnowMcCoy.com….