Vanderpump Rules season 5 premiere recap: Lesbians, Lizard People, Lala Land, and a Prenup Situation

Lesbians, Lizard People, Lala Land, a Prenup Situation and other things we learned about on the premiere of Season 5 of Vanderpump Rules.

Season 5 of VP Rules premiered last week with Jax Taylor’s new live-in girlfriend Brittany Cartwright now working at SUR because everyone else from the cast had been fired—I mean because SUR was allegedly slammed one day and Lisa Vanderpump strangely had no other applicants. And interestingly since we last saw the cast of the show Brittany and Kristen Doute developed quite a close friendship.

Kristen tries a Kentucky muffin

A great rumor has just been launched by Jax Taylor that he walked in Brittany going down-town on Kristen Doute.

Jax spreads the gossip and then tells both Kristen and Brittany that somehow this rumor about them engaging in cunnilingus is swirling about SUR and he just wants to give them a “heads up”.

Kristen is like “what-ev”. Brittany is furious that her boyfriend is spreading gossip about her, but really what does Brittany expect?

Between Kristen and Jax someone is going to be going down on someone.

Lisa Vanderpump acts horrified, but is clearly thinking “thank God”, we need some new storylines here and I don’t want to have to do anymore #SpiritCooking.

Sandoval claims there is no shortage of bi-curious Southern girls in West Hollywood and the act of lesbian oral sex is the official LA handshake. (Note to LA Tourism & Convention Board (LATCB)).

The only thing shocking about this story is that Jax didn’t disrobe and join in.

So what else did we learn on the premiere of Vanderpump Rules?

Stassi & Patrick

We learned that Stassi Schroeder is back together with boyfriend Patrick Meagher, and that Kristen Doute — despite her bi-curious tendencies, is in a healthy monogamous relationship with Boyfriend Brian Carter.

Inside Lala Land

On to Lala Land. We learned that Lala Kent has a Sugar Daddy boyfriend that is married with children–aka she is a Sugar Baby circa SugarBaby.com. The girls are using this nugget of intel as ammo to force Lala to leave.

But should Lala get the boot from VP Rules it’s Ok because she has a Plan B.

We learned that Lala Kent has spent an extensive amount of time thinking about the title of her future porn, Inside Lala Land. Heyoooo! I don’t think you can have a name like Lala and not make a porn.

Shape-shifting lizard people star on the show

Next up the crew of lowly bartenders and waiters attend the OK! magazine party. If there is one thing this crew loves it’s a Step and Repeat and a SWAG bag.

The party is oddly empty and the VP Rules OG crew is huddled together on one coach while Lala Kent and James Kennedy are huddled on another.

Stassi reveals that she believes in aliens and that Lala and James are Lizard, shape-shifting aliens. Nice. We do love a conspiracy here at OHiTS.

As the two reptilian hybrids approached the group at the party Lala says, “Everybody here has not been working on their summer bodies”, James follows with “Katie,  wait are you pregnant? Oh my God, congratulations!”

Clearly he has changed. Yes it appears that a few of the crew members have been doing some stress eating during the off season, but it’s clearly not appropriate to comment on that James!

James tries to blame his impulsive a-hole behavior on his parents divorce.

His mother, Jacqueline Georgiou, (the one who robbed Kristen Doute) just moved back to the U.K.

 

The Prenup

Next up Tom and Katie’s apartment to talk about Tom’s impending prison sentence, I mean, wedding.

Tom Schwartz and Katie are actually finally getting married because Tom can’t say no to Lisa Vanderpump.

Tom is already preparing for the divorce by asking for a prenup. Of course the prenup reminds us that these are not minimum wage bartenders and waitresses. They are millionaire actors!!!

So the premiere ends with the crew discussing how much they hate James and Lala. Previews suggest there will be drama between Tom and Katie before their wedding. I’m still waiting for Tom to admit he’s gay. And there will be drama between Brittany and Jax. Stay tuned!