VP Rules season 5 finale — Tom & Katie tie the knot — Scheana & Mike Shay split

Last night was the dramatic finale of season 5 on Vanderpump Rules and shockingly, it did not disappoint! TomKat 2.0 made it official in front of 120 friends and family in a “woodsy” area of Lake Tahoe, California.

That said, let’s breakdown the finale.

First of all, I feel certain that the entire cast of VP Rules was on a cocktail of Xanax, Adderall, and OxyContin last night–you know, just enough to get them all through the event with a smile on their face—especially 33-year-old groom Tom Schwartz.

Neurotic Tom has been ‘oscillating wildly’ back and forth in regards to his feelings for new wife Katie Maloney, 30 for FIVE seasons of the show. Yet somehow during the final hours of deliberation TS decided to choose the lifetime commitment option.

Not only that but Tom’s close friends have all condemned the relationship as recently as a few weeks ago indicating that the consensus from their confidants is this relationship is DOA. Yet somehow the entire crew has banded together in a valiant show of solidarity to get behind Team Tom Kat…. tears and all.

Anyhow, Tom’s vows are beautiful. He is emotive, he is eloquent, he is persuasive, and he is clearly heavily medicated. Tom is grinning from ear to ear. He is overcome with emotions as he sees Katie walk down the dirt aisle in her $15,000 dress.

He no longer seems burdened with doubts. He seems resolute that he is in love with his soon-to-be wife–the woman he cheated on….. twice, the woman he two weeks ago called a 4 letter word–recall the phrase, “I’m not marrying that ####”?

The moment was so surreal it reminded me of another reality show—The Bachelor. Yes the wedding of Tom and Katie is very reminiscent of every Bachelor finale, where the lead is so torn about their final decision to make a lifetime commitment and ready to walk away and then at the very last minute after a knock on the door from ring designer Neil Lane, and a good night of sleep, they are cocksure that they are ready to make a lifetime pledge to a specific woman……except in this case the couple has known each other more than 9-weeks and has had plenty of time to work out the chinks in their relationship and come to a healthy decision.

If you had not had an inside view into the tumultuous TomKat relationship you would have thought these two were the perfect couple. But for better or for worse we have had an inside view of this relationship.

But take heart TomKat fans, what the couple lacked in true love last night, they more than made up for in fashion. Both looked stunning. Tom in his custom made emerald green tuxedo, and Katie stunned in her long-sleeve Zuhair Murad wedding dress from Kleinfeld Bridal store in N.Y.C.

Lisa Vanderpump reluctantly officiated the event with a carefully crafted sermon filled with some pretty predictable marriage advice.

At the reception we finally got to hear from Tom’s triplet brothers. We see that social anxiety runs in the Schwartz family, but charm does not. Toms triplet brothers Brandon, Billy, and Bert Schwartz deliver some very cringeworthy toasts.

Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix finally find some common ground. The two bond over their fantasies about murdering people. These two may have a chance.

Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump aka Bobby Fischer is always thinking 10 moves and 2 seasons ahead and makes some big moves on the board. She encourages Tom Sandoval and Ariana to consider marriage (she needs a season 6 storyline and finale), she also tells Tom that she would like to give him a promotion and allow him to manage a bar she wants to call…wait for it….

Tom Tom…..aka a spin-off is on the way folks!

Tom is overwhelmed with emotion because he thinks Lisa “believes” in him. Oh sweet Tom. You are so pretty.

Tom you are a commodity to LVP, no diff than her line of Sangria. A bar called ‘Tom Tom’ will be the most popular gay bar in West Hollywood! After all Lisa is just exploiting Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz’ HUGE gay following!!! Genius LVP, sheer genius.

You will be manager in name only. Do you really think Vanderpump would trust you and T Schwartz with a brand new multi-million dollar investment??–especially after your fumbled LVP “brand ambassadors” venture of 2016? Especially after Tom Schwartz was unable to even show up for ONE shift of bartending at SUR?

No, she will bring in Guillermo, and my fave, Diane and the rest of the Israeli army to run the bar behind the scenes with your pretty faces on the poster.

Tom Schwartz is also overwhelmed with the proposition, but not because he is happy, because he is commitment phobic. I think Schwartz is a little smarter than Sandoval and gets that this is a bit of a hustle.

Jax Taylor, always the romantic, promises Brittany that a marriage proposal is coming soon–yet another doomed relationship. Clearly Bobby Fischer has been planting seeds. See she figured out if she times the nuptials right, she can have one relationship ending as a lifetime contract of holy matrimony begins–perfect for storylines and dramatic finales.

The TomKat divorce will be the season 6 storyline.

Anyhoo, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No dramatic fights. Thankfully Scheana Shay and Mike Shay had a good dramatic finish for us. Unbeknownst to their close friends the relationship was in shambles. Mike is back on pills and back to disappearing. Scheana decides that divorce is the only answer, although watching the episode I strongly suspect that Scheana met new boyfriend Robert Valletta prior to filing and her feelings for the 35-year-old actor pushed her to officially end things with Shay.

Scheana manages to coerce Mike to engage in a heart to heart in front of cameras where she confronts him about draining her bank account and discloses that she has met with attorneys to draw up papers.

Stay tuned for season 6!!