Thirty-year-old Vanderpump Rules star Katie Maloney has always annoyed me, but I just saw her as the sort of mousy, nervous, insecure sidekick of the show’s real star, Stassi Schroeder. In fact on season 1 I said to myself, this girl will never be a main star on this or any show.
Little did I know at the time what a tyrannical despot Katie would become by season 5 of the Bravo series.
So cut to episode 4 of season 5 of VP Rules, Katie has become the ringleader of the SUR mafia–apparently she has been doing some Spirit Cooking at the home of boss Lisa Vanderpump, because mousy Katie now rules SUR and her soon-to-be husband Tom Schwartz with an iron fist.
We see Tom sneaking off to an emergency meeting with his therapist to discuss his mounting anxiety about the impending wedding and marriage to Katie. In fact it’s obvious from the scene that Tom has had some off camera time with the Doctor and told her he feels “trapped”, because she says “I know you feel trapped”!
Tom sort of shrugs it off (obviously knowing Katie will eventually see this), but it’s hard to deny there is a serious situation given that he did call said therapist for an “emergency” appointment.
It’s clear Tom is looking for a way out—any way out! He employs the strategy of telling Katie he is scared of the things she has said to him when she’s drunk. Drunk Katie apparently has expressed some concerns about marrying Schwartz. This seems like the most viable way out for him.
Of course it backfires and Katie flips on timid Tom: first berating him, then crying.
You know, my brother David told me that dealing with a crying girlfriend is like dealing with a baby in a poopy diaper. It’s horrific, but you just have to do whatever it takes to deal with it. So Tom basically does just that– he lies to Katie and tells her he is not having any doubts about them.
After delivering Tom a severe tongue-lashing for his impromptu clandestine therapy session, Katie meets with her minions Scheana Shay, Kristen Doute, and Stassi Schroeder to tell on him. Rather then tell her to chill the f@ck out and stop scaring him away they all coddle her and go along with her delusional tirade.
In fact clearly Katie has been doing some sort of ritual with Tom’s semen and her menstrual blood to 1: get Tom to propose to her and 2: get the loyalty and acquiescence of her co-stars.
There has been an odd role reversal—a coup of sorts. The former natural ringleader Stassi Schroeder now tip toes around the new unnatural leader Katie Maloney.
Drunk Katie, is drunk on power and now assumes the role of HBIC —the role that Stassi formerly assumed effortlessly on the show.
She informs the gang that they are not to engage in polite banter with Katie’s enemy Lala Kent. Scheana proudly tells Katie and K Mo’s fawners how she shut down Lala’s attempt to start a friendly conversation. The ladies all applaud Scheana for obeying Katie’s commands.
The bizarre encounter shocks and horrifies fans, myself included!
What is going on here? Seriously how did frumpy Katie Maloney assume so much power? It’s not like she’s a bitch with the same lazer sharp wit and cheeky charm as Stassi Schroeder. I mean Stassi has a PhD in dishing shade.
She doesn’t even have the fall-out-of-an-Uber-and-knock-your-teeth-out-drunk charm of a Kristen Doute. She has never made a sex tape, never given Jax a blow job on her and Tom’s couch, never had a Sugar Daddy….nuthin’ to endear her to fans like her co-stars.
We know that Lala eventually walks off of season 5, probably as a result of Katie’s community organizing, ginning up the other girls and forcing them to ice her out.
Previews make it look like Tom reaches a boiling point with Katie’s megalomania and he gives her an ultimatum. We know he asks another of Katie’s foes to be a groomsman in his wedding, Ariana Madix. I suspect the move prompts Katie to fly off the handle. I hope the ultimatum prompts her to reflect on her awful-ness.
Katie is a boring, narcissistic, vacuous blob. The most interesting thing about Katie is her Twitter handle “@musickillskate” and if Lisa Vanderpump isn’t careful Katie will kill Vanderpump Rules.