Tonight season 12 of The Bachelorette premiered and the situations officially began. First Jojo Fletcher meets Chris Harrison and laments about being “blindsided” by Bachelor Ben Higgins last season which I always find amazing since this show is built on “blindsiding”!!!
Anyhow, this time Jojo is in charge. She has learned from her past (2 months ago) and she is excited and ready to find love again after a brief 2 month hiatus.
The first night is a lot of 1st impressions and assessing situations. It takes time to meet 26 guys!–especially now that they all have a schtick!
So my overall 1st impressions are: the guys seem a little more nervous than usual, a little drunker than usual and a little gayer than usual.
There were a lot more genitalia references this time. And Jojo seemed a bit fussy and impatient with her suitors.
In fact I would bet if Jojo had it her way she would have booted about 20 of the guys on night one.
Anyhow, I like to hand out first impression awards early on in the season in lieu of a recap.
So with no further ado,
Bachelorette 2016 first impression awards…..drumroll please…
12. Best pick up line award
Winner: Coley Knust, from Chicago, Illinois. Coley tells Jojo, “Hey I hear you’re in real estate. I’m in real estate too and I’d like to take you off the market.” Heyooooooo!!
11. The Olivia Caridi I read secret messages Award
This one goes to 28-year-old Chad Johnson, from Oklahoma who insists that he and Jojo have a special connection already despite the fact that they had nothing to talk about during their initial meeting.
So I guess they must have developed a “secret language”, because in regular language they had nothing to say.
Like Olivia, Chad is very confident in his attractiveness and his ability to win this….maybe too confident?
10. The Family Guy – Will Smith Nice Clean Rap Award
Winner: Christian Bishop from Los Angeles, California describes his three best attributes as “work ethic, ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people, ambitious and hungry to learn”. And he claims that his best friend is his mom. 
The 26-year-old Tech consultant was adorable in his promo video raising his younger brothers. Christian is obviously a very good boy. I think the Will Smith rap tells the whole story.
This is like my favorite video of all time. I can watch it forever! Enjoy!
9. The Blakeley Shea Most ridiculous/amazing Occupation Award
This is a tough one. It’s sort of a toss up between ‘Erectile Dysfunction Specialist’ Evan Bass and ‘Hipster’, 28-year-old Brandon Howell, from Los Angeles, California, but I think it has to go to Evan. Why? Because it’s a real job with an actual paycheck.
(Recall Blakeley was billed as a “VIP cocktail waitress” on Ben Flajnik’s season which was code for Hooter’s waitress)
Winner: Evan Bass
8. This brings us to Most amazing backstory Award
That one also has got to Evan Bass. Evan used to be a pastor, but switched careers to help people in another, yet also very important way. He became an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Evan tells us he spends his time “pumping up guys” and “getting them excited.”
Winner: Evan Bass
7. And this brings us to the Kind of seems a little gay Award
That was a toss up between Evan, Daniel Maguire, and Jonathan Hamilton (of course 2 of them are Canadian) and it was tough especially with Evan talking about helping guys get erections, but I have to give it to Daniel because after engaging in some unsolicited belly-button poking with Evan and a few too many drinks he proclaims, “anyone can look good in a suit, but lets see what you look like with no clothes on” to a room full of guys. He then disrobes revealing that he is wearing a Speedo under his suit.
Just the fact that he brought a Speedo pushes him over the edge to win this one.
The Bachelorette is always like 1 cocktail away from turning into Caligula.
Winner: Daniel Maguire
6. The not gonna get laid with that schtick Award
So the guys always have a schtick. Some are funny, some are adorable, some are creepy and some are definitely not going to get you laid.
But the winner of this one is Nick Sharp aka Saint Nick. Yep 33-year-old Nick arrived dressed as Santa Claus carrying a giant sack of gifts. It just didn’t make any sense…like how does Santa reflect your personality? Not to mention there were no kids there to use as props to make you look adorable. So having Jojo sit on your lap and asking her what she wanted for Christmas was the opposite of sexy and just creepy, and definitely was not gonna get Nick laid.
I still have no clue what he looks like and it was just sad seeing Santa throw back cocktails behind his bushy white beard.
Winner: Nick Sharp
5. The definitely gonna get laid with that schtick Award
This Award goes to Wells Adams. I mean that guy crushed it! The 31-year-old radio DJ emerges from the limo with the 90’s Acapela group All-4-One to serenade JoJo. Wells has an edge all night long because All-4-One follows him all night.
He’s already won. Even if Wells get the boot night one, he is going to go home and immediately get laid. I am just praying he makes it to Fantasy Suites and brings All-4-One! How epic would that be!
Winner: Wells Adams
4. The TMI on the first night Award
This one goes to 29-year-old Jonathan Hamilton, from Vancouver, British Columbia.
Jonathan arrives in a kilt and proudly proclaims his ethnic background saying he is half-Chinese and half-Scottish, but assures Jojo that he is “half-Scottish below the waist.” WHOAH!!! A little too soon for penis size jokes Jon! She doesn’t even know your name yet!
As if this was not bad enough when he thinks Jojo doesn’t get the joke, he clarifies, “I’m not wearing any panties.” No, just no. Men don’t wear panties Jonathan! I will chock this up to him being Canadian, but it’s clear his days/minutes are numbered.
BTW, as if ANYone did not get the joke Jon! I can only imagine how many times he has told this joke.
Winner: Jonathan Hamilton
3. The doomed from the minute he stepped out of the limo Award
This goes to the Super Fan. I don’t even remember his name. But even his fan party with a total of 3 people including him was sad.
Winner: SuperFan
2. The way too hot to be taking this process of finding a life partner in 9 weeks seriously Award
Winner: Jordan Rodgers. It was obvious that Jojo was smitten the SECOND he set foot on the freshly hosed driveway.
Jordan not surprisingly gets the 1st impression rose, but it is clear as day that he IS TROUBLE. In fact the general consensus online was reflected by this tweet….
He’s just way too hot and too popular to settle down with just one lady.
And finally,
1. The Ryan McDill / Jonathan Vollinger Worst Impression Rose Award
This could also be called the “Holy Crap! How were you not eliminated on night one? Award”
Well this one is a no brainer. It goes to 31-year-old 6’1” male model Daniel Maguire from Vancouver, British Columbia who takes off his clothes, flexes his muscles for the cameras and dives into the Bachelor pool in a Speedo.
What is truly miraculous is that Daniel does NOT get eliminated in the rose ceremony, nor does he get hauled away by Bachelorette producers in the van of shame….which is kind of a sad reflection on the guys Jojo DID eliminate.
Winner: Daniel Maguire
Bachelorette 2016 premiere Rose Ceremony Eliminations:
Jonathan Hamilton, Jake, Coley Knust, Sal DeJulio, Nick Sharp, and Peter James Medina
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