I hate to admit this because I do not want to suggest that The Bachelor has been anything less than amazing at producing lasting monogomous relationships, BUT…. I saw the Ali-Roberto breakup coming from a mile away. No one could deny that Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez were adorable together and that Roberto was totally devoted to his amazing lady, but my concern from the beginning was simply that Ali would grow bored of Roberto.As a connoisseur of situations, I am also adept and proficient in tools for understanding situations, which often requires an understanding of people and their behaviors. The primary tool I have been fixated on for the last 15 years, for garnering a better understanding of human behavior, is the enneagram. The enneagram is an ancient tool that dates back to the beginning of civilization. It maps the fears and motivations of people by breaking them down into 9 different personality types. And the main reason I have been so gripped by this tool is because it has always been SO RIGHT.
I won’t go into great detail about this device, and I know it may sound a little hippy-dippy, but please bear with me. And, for you skeptics out there, you might find it interesting to learn that the enneagram is actually taught at a lot of well-respected universities, like Stanford, UCLA, USC and Georgetown.
So with the enneagram always at the forefront of my mind, and especially so when watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette, I saw the writing for the fate of Ali and Roberto’s relationship on the wall from the get-go.
I knew from the beginning that we had an enneagram personality type 3 (Achiever) and a 6 (Loyalist) on our hands. And what was the first big clue that Roberto is a 6 and that this relationship would ultimately fail (because, as I’ll describe below, a 6 just doesn’t mesh well with a 3)?? He is an insurance salesman! The 6 needs a lot of safety and security and nothing screams safety and security more than a career in selling insurance. I’m not saying Ali needed a Hollywood producer or a big business tycoon, but she needed someone that was a little more daring, someone that would take risks, not someone that would sell insurance to other people taking risks. That’s not to say 6s can’t be a lot of fun and risk takers, but that is only if they are totally self-actualized and have learned to face their fear of being without support and guidance and have embraced their autonomy. Not to diss the insurance industry, but a 6 who lands in this career has likely not faced their fears about security. Thus, I concluded we had an average 6, not a healthy 6, on our hands with Roberto.
Ali, on the other hand, is clearly a 3, the Achiever. And she was not ready to settle down — at least when it came to her career. Sure, we weren’t sure of the exact trajectory her career path would take, but we knew she was highly motivated, educated, independent, charismatic, amazing with people and quite adept at handling an assortment of situations. Those sorts of skills belong in a big city like LA, New York or maybe even San Francisco. I knew the decision to move to San Diego was clearly a compromise by Ali, because LA and San Francisco were just far too crazy for Roberto. I also knew Roberto would be conflicted about Ali having a career because the average 6 really wants their partner to play a traditional role. And the clincher with an average 6 is this: a 6 that is not self-actualized will have an enormous temper because there is a lot of repressed rage as a result of all the uncertainty surrounding life — especially if there is change. And what could be more uncertain than meeting your partner on a reality television show, moving across the country and starting a new life with the whole world watching?
And I do not mean to diss Roberto at all. Roberto’s professional baseball career is super hot, but it’s over. And now Roberto is on the path to the safest, most predictable life any 6 could ever want. Despite the fact that Ali and Roberto are about the same age, Roberto’s life is winding down while Ali’s is just starting to heat up. I could see her with a nerdy internet start-up entrepreneur or a even a not-so-wealthy non-profit leader, but someone with a serious passion and curiousity about life. I just think these two were not a match, and that is not to say that a 3 and a 6 can’t be great together, but both have to be self-aware, understanding of their fears and ready to face them.